& we back…in the states

Hey! Bet you didn’t expect another blog from me! Surprise! Me neither, but here we are. 

Last time we were here together I was in Myanmar writing about some of my takeaways from the race. Since that point, I have gone home, reunited with friends and family, traveled to Georgia for PSL, went to Panama as a leader on a short-term mission trip with my church, went to Iowa to see a monster truck show, moved cross country to Virginia, became a college student at Liberty and finished half of my first semester of college. 

I remember telling someone one of the last weeks of the race that “the moment my feet touch American soil, my life is going to speed up and change, and I don’t know if im ready for it.” Well…I was right. Upon reentry, My life began to move at a pace where I could barely keep up; but I was excited to see where I was going because if I kept moving forward it meant I didn’t have time to look back. So, that’s what I did. Overwhelmed with the amount of newness yet familiarity with being home, I didn’t think about the race much. I missed it, but the excitement of being in the states with my family overshadowed that feeling; not allowing me to process anything, including the fact that I was back in the states. However, I got to school and the Lord stopped me. He sat me down and forced me to look back before I could look forward.

When people ask me if I am glad I did the Race, I always tell them that it was the best decision I have ever made. Those 9 months of my life impacted me in ways that I am still learning to this day. I am so thankful for the country’s I got to live in, the experiences I have had and the people I got to meet. I can’t imagine my life without my team or Q squad in it. I have a deep love for those people that cannot be described or replicated. I could go on but you get the point. I loved the Race. I loved that season of life. I love the people that I crossed paths with. 

 So, when all of this ended in the span of a day, it left me in shock. I didn’t know how to emotionally comprehend it. The places I have gone are still there, but I will never experience them the same way with the same people. All of Q squad and team sisters are still alive, but we will never be all together in one place in the same way again. I can still talk to my friends on a group facetime, but we cannot recreate the nights where we laid on a field in South Africa and talked about our reality at the time which was a world in which we were with each other 24/7. For 9 months I was running towards the Lord, hand in hand, with 50 of my best friends. Now we are running in 50 different directions. How did this happen? Why did it have to end?

When I got to school, The Lord slowed me down and forced me to reflect on this reality and acknowledge the emptiness it left me in. He helped me start to mourn the Race. In the first month of school, you could find me tearing up in the cafeteria because I saw chopsticks and missed Thailand. I was sad, but the tears were freeing and healing. I eventually came to a place where I could not hold myself up with my own strength and was forced to cling to the Lord with the strength that I did have. 

Reentry is hard. It’s hard getting into a rhythm of school knowing that this time last year I was teaching refugees english. It’s hard going from living a life where toilet paper wasn’t even a guarantee, to attending a school that has more money than they know what to do with. I don’t know what to do with my newfound and personal knowledge of the poverty and hurt within the world. My approach in combating that reality is different in this season. A year ago I was teaching english and playing with kids and going into the darkest streets, bringing light. Now, I am getting a degree (in counseling lol) so that I can better harness my gifts for the kingdom and bring healing, spiritually and emotionally to the hurting world that I got a taste of. The shift in my day-to-day purpose in life is hard, but comforting knowing that in both of these seasons of my life I am striving towards the same goal of glorifying and serving the Lord, it just looks different. A year ago I was witnessing women have panic attacks and suffer from PTSD, unable to help. Now, I am in school becoming equipped to handle those situations successfully, bringing healing. However, I often forget that my purpose in both seasons are equally important for the kingdom. 

In one of my first journals on the race I wrote “would I be so willing to go where the Lord calls me if he calls me home? Would I as willingly go serve Minnesotans as I would Costa Ricans?” I reflect on this now in the states where The Lord has told me I must stay until he tells me to go. It is often hard to wrap my head around the fact that right now the Lord has called me to pursue a degree and those around me. I want to run away to the mission field because right now that sounds more comfortable than being in college; but in that fear I am comforted that I am in the right place. Ultimately, I want to grow into the woman the Lord has destined me to be. Thankfully, growth cultivates in the uncomfortable. 

I must admit, I am hesitant to write this and post it. I can’t admit weakness online! Kidding. But, I’m posting this for all of us who are dealing with reentry. Just because we have been home for X amount of time doesn’t mean the memories don’t still sting. I still tear up in worship because I am not worshipping with my squad.  Its okay not to be okay. We lived a life that is polar opposite to the one we are living currently. You could have hated the Race with your whole heart, and reentry would still be hard. Give yourself grace. Cling to the Lord. Keep in touch with the people that touched you, and remember that the God that brought you into the season of the Race will help you heal from it and enter a new, equally as fruitful season. 

Soooooooo! The reason for this post! Recently, I was looking through my voice memos and found one that I left for myself at final debrief. I decided to turn it into a video. I hope this gives you a little bit of a deeper insight into my Race and why it was so hard for me to leave.

Love you all.

(Q squad if ur reading this I love you and miss u… call me 😉

Warning: its emo and cringy bc it’s me talking for like 5 mins straight. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

https://youtu.be/kgvHrQ2qfDE